Her Spirit Emerges

The day before Wanaka passed away, I told Brian I wanted to keep up our morning and evening ‘poop walk’ routine (except without the poop) after Wanaka left us. He was game.

I knew it would be good for us emotionally during this rough time, but I truly want to keep it up for as long as I can, because as much as she was good for our soul, so is walking outside. She helped us spend countless hours and strides over her 15 years, being in nature. I know there’s zero chance I would have done this day in and day out without her being with us. It was always such a gift, even when it was dark and rainy, or on days that I was sick. The walks were always helpful.

It was dusk, a number of hours after she passed, and Brian and I left the house and began walking down the road holding hands. It had been such a hard day. She was heavy on my mind. But then she suddenly came into my inner vision, merging Spirit with this reality, walking right behind us, giving us that inquisitive and excited look that would say, “Where you guys going? Can I come?!” She looked at least five years younger. At her prime. Healthy, strong and full of energy.

She seemed a bit confused that we didn’t have her leash. But I invited her to join us, and she walked up right beside me, looking up at us with her loving and eager gaze. She’s here. She’s with us.

After all the grief and heavy emotion of the last four days, it felt lighter, a relief, to see her, to have her with me, even in a ghost-like way. Her sense of okayness and lofty spirit was infectious. We’re okay. She’s okay. She’s happy to be here with us, even if it’s in this new way. It felt so comforting.

When we arrived back home half and hour later, I opened the front door and saw her ghostly form run inside right past me with such enthusiasm, and rip up the stairs, happy to be back. I went up to the couch in my office and sat in front of the open window, feeling the warm evening breeze on my face, feeling sad from the day’s events. Spirit Wanaka came over to the window and sniffed the wind, curious what I was doing. I invited her to hop up onto the couch (something she was not allowed to do, but she would do it anyway when we weren’t looking). She curled up next to me. I got the sense that she’s with me in this way forever now. My companion, with an invisible twist. She’s here as my guide, another Spirit guide, to show me things like when to play, when to go outside, when to eat, and when to rest. The true markers of a good life.

As I tucked in my son for bed, he asked if I could see her. I shared with him my experience on the walk. He asked, “Where is she now?”

“I can see her sleeping on the couch in the office,” I said. It was right next to his bedroom. “Do you want her to come sleep in here, in the corner next to your bed, where she always did?” I asked.

“Yeah, if she wants to,” he replied.

I told him I could see Spirit Wanaka stroll into the room, curl up in her corner by his bed, resting her face on the carpet, and let out a noisy sigh through her nostrils. Ira laughed at that, and said, “She always did that.”

The next morning, I was slotted to ride a 100km gravel bike race. It’s been many years since I had ridden 100km in one day. I had signed up for the race weeks ago. I never would have willingly chosen this activity or duration on my own after the last week I’ve been through. But it was exactly what I needed. I was tired before the race, but I got even more exhausted during — the first 80km was uphill (yeah, you read that right). I felt Wanaka with me the whole time. She was trotting beside me like she used to when we would mountain bike together. On this day, she never tired. She kept up and kept giving me energy and motivation to keep going.

The final 20km was a steep downhill along a forest service road. I kicked it up a few notches and raced down the windy gravel road as fast as I could. I worried she wouldn’t be able to keep up, but she just looked at me with a glint in her eye and sprouted beautiful furry wings, flying effortlessly beside me. I guess being a Spirit has its perks. She always reminded me of Falkor, the wise and trusty flying, white fuzzy dog-like dragon from the movie, The Neverending Story. I didn’t see this coming, but I guess now her likeness is complete.

The whole experience cleared my mind, opened my heart, and moved a lot of energy.

Sometimes healing takes a lot out of you. I was done when I finished the race. Just done. I wanted to crawl straight into bed, and that I did when I got back home.

An hour later, I was awoken with a start: a crack of thunder so loud, I jolted out of bed. I looked out at the intense thunderstorm moving past my view and saw a massive rainbow. It seemed like a final message from Spirit, suggesting the rainbow bridge of transition for Wanaka is done.

But her Spirit isn’t done with me. Her ghostly figure is sitting beside me as I write this, looking at me longingly with her tongue hanging out. I know, from her, it’s time to go outside for a break.